in the mood for love (wongkarwai)

dili jud ko lakas sa imo! punyetah ka!

haha! :) dili na taka samokon, itx or replyan or yayain maginuman. kapoy nah! officially, gikapoy na ko nimo! lami ra kaayo imong life to include me in it! hahaha! pero dili na ko. wala na koy gana sa imo. dili na nako ka feel. ug, ginakapoy na ko sa akong silly-schooolgirl-with-a-crush mental setting. so everytime i think of you, i will just read how to kill a mockingbird! tapos!

lola is living. lola is leaving. lola's libing...

today, after two nights at cosmo, we buried my lola. she was the one and only lola i knew. now that she is gone, wala na akong lola.

her death means a lot of different things for the people whose lives she touched. for my tito, it was the end of the life of someone who lived by example. for my lola's only living sister, it was the end of the life of someone who was selfless. for my mom, it was the end of my lola's pain. for the preist, it was the beginning of a new journey. for my cousin, it meant na sinundo na siya ng lolo kong matagal na rin lumipas. for a relative with downe's syndrome, my lola's death was the end of her "happy days" kasi wala na daw magbibigay sa kanya ng durian at pera at kung ano pa. as for me, her death gave me answers to questions i have been asking myself recently.

during the wake, i was able to peice together a few things about my lola. i always wanted to have a meaningful or fruitful life. and my lola had a fruitful life. she was able to touch and change lives. she helped many people, by giving them jobs, sending them to school, providing shelter and shouldering medical expenses, etc. she had a farm with the hopes of improving the lives of the people around her, by employing them or para "magpundar at makatulong." she always said that if you wanted to help, "magpundar ka" para makatulong. i realized that at the rate i am going (where i always choose the easy way out), i am getting farther from my goal to become a woman for others. to live a meaningful life is to live a life of service... and no one ever said service was going to be easy. we should do what we can for ourselves to be stable enough to hold other people up.

my lola was a farmer. she was very practical and simple. my mother got that from her. i should get this from her too! she did not wear expensive clothes, but she provided the best there was for her children. the thing is, her children wanted to emulate her and often opted for the practical choice. she looked like she a farmer... but unlike the stereotype of a farmer, whenever anyone needed help, she was there. she always had plenty of money, yet it never seemed to be important to her...

dapat gayahin ko sya! :) wish me luck! hehe

we touch lives in a million different ways. we have a million ways to live life. whether or not we made good choices, our life's meaning is revealed to others in our death.

you know what? at this point, all i can hope for is to live a fruitful life and die happy. what i can do is, try to copy my lola's example, and learn from her life.

peace and love to all.
ciao!

ps. although saying goodbye to you makes me sad, i am happy that you are with the man you love and in the arms of the Lord. i shall always have you in my heart. i love you lola!

trouble sleeping

i have been having trouble sleeping for the past few days... admittedly, i have been taking sleep for granted. i did not appreciate its value. but that ends today.

i need sleep because i am very tired. i am not just exhausted physically, but also emotionally, i guess...

my lola passed away. enough said. my so-called-friends are... just that. they are just so-called-friends. (except for a few who made me feel really good today. i hart you guys! hehe:) im begining to feel super stupid and effing frustrated with crushie-wushies. i did really bad on a crim exam which was supposed to be supper easy. oblicon exam? lets not even go there... i dont wanna see it. plus, i have exams on saturday and i have not studied, and my mind is not on "aral-mode" so i really dont know how much info i can shove up my ear to save my failing ass. what makes it worse is the fact that i do not know how to worry anymore. i need to worry... to at least worry. i dont feel anything. i feel like as if i have died and that i lost myself somewhere. i feel lost and i seem to have forgotten who i am.

i wanna take a break from it all. i am going to sleep.


***but let it be noted that today i knew happiness... when my friends went to my lola's wake. my deepest thank you sa inyo...

god bless!
ciao!

2 in 1. i got exams tomorrow but am guiltless.

i hate mondays and fridays in law school.

its normal to hate mondays. no need to explain that one. i know i share this sentiment with many lazy-asses out there. howver, i have this new found dislike for fridays for the simple reason that you can hardly enjoy a friday night if ur n law school. friday nights for many folks are either date nights or chill out nights. but for us who have decided to chose a slow and painful way to kill our egos and go to lawschool, friday nights are to be spent sleepless and studying ceaselessly. coz its likely that you have exams on saturday. and guess what? youd even have second thoughts if you should spend your saturday night having fun or chillin, coz you are just too tired after all the studying and the killer exam... shux.

so i hate all the law students who are out drinking tonight. i (secretly) envy you. i know mr.chorbah is out having fun tonight. i hope he gets drunk but does not have fun.

they say you should not drink if you are feeling pain because alcohol intensifies pain. when you pour alcohol over a wound or when you swim in beer to get over ur heartbreak. you act stupid. and you discover feelings of hate, sadness frustrations... and you reach a different level of pain which you would not have known if it was not for alcohol. some say you should drink when your down, but no. its when ur down and drink that you realize how much pain you actually trully feel.

so i hope he is feeling something negative. if he is avoiding me, that means i did something wrong (or that he is avoiding chismis) and it bothers him. certainly those thoughts are not rooted on soemthing pleasant... so i hope he drinks and thinks of me and how my existence bothers him. nyahaha! :) very bad... sige lang... im just bitter. i am allowed to wallow in it, right??

i have exams tomoro. wish me luck. i need it. im just taking a break from all the sanity and structure so prevalent in jurisprudence. this is my way of giving my mind a rest and taking a break from all that is logical and reasonable: blog about crushes. its silly, stupid, juvenille, and effing shallow. whatever. i feel like i can afford taking some sick pleasure in this vice because this is one thing taht gives me relief, from all the stress law school has to offer, that is not physiologically detrimental to me. its a lesser evil.

and yeah, tomorrow, on my exam day, i wont even get to see stupid him. thus, another reason why weekends tend to suck for law students.

inspite af all this negativity, antagonism, and bitterness, i wish you peace and love!!

ciao!

nice chorbah

erm.. i liked mr.chorbah because i thought he was nice to me. yesterday, when i found out about a nice thing he did, i realized that he was just genuinely kind. binahiran ko ng malisya ang bait nya! haha! loser! i know kindness is supposed to be a plus, but i gotta get used to the idea that he does not like me.

boohoo! hehe:) ok lang. i'll just focus on my other crushes... hehe:) why focus on crushes? coz it sometimes feels like this is the only part of my life which i have control over, and i get a kick out of it for free. haha!

love and peace to all!
ciao!