suck on that!

i don't know how to go about this whole blogging thing... i understand that there is a way to do it that would make you worthy to be paid or to be called a blogger in its fullest sense.

i hate that when i write something, i end up writing about feelings and realizations and other personal regurgitated crap. if i were a stranger, i would not even read my blog because its just some silly girl whining about the stupid things in her life.

maybe my life is stupid and i should just die. but then i want my death to count, or to mean something. right? like sylvia plath or virginia wolfe. so no, death is not an option yet. there is a time for everything. i want my death to mean something.

i had this friend who took her life and i realized so much when she died. when people asked what was going through her mind or what could have made her kill herself, i thought to myself that one big reason is not a requisite of suicide. sometimes people to decide to die. when they do, their death need not be sensationalized or viewed in a negative light. we just need to get the message, or the lesson life was trying to teach us through her death. maybe that was her purpose- to die by suicide so that i/you/we could learn or realize something.

since i don't really know where all this is going, what my purpose is, or if i will die by my hands, i should at least ensure or make an effort that this life does not go to waste. i hope that this life is well-lived or fruitful. i'd like to die knowing that i did something right; that i touched a life, and that i made a difference or gave happiness (even if it did not come easily to me).

perhaps with this blog, or this repository of thougts, feelings and other shtuff, i hope to find myself and my purpose. i need not have an audience, although maybe it would be nice to have someone watch you die. (that's the kind of thing movies and stories are made of.)

maybe i'll read the entries one day and see me die, by and by; entry by entry. but then again, death is the essence of life and we start dying the moment we are born. i apologize to the audience for the depressing and boring, sometimes stupid and morbid content of this page. but then again, i need not say sorry to anyone! i dont need to explain myself to you! you dont like what youre reading? then stop!


bite me!
ally vosia