kapuuuy! :)

maybe this loving thing is not for me... i think i was better off just being igat... i think i should just go back to my old malandi self. its funner that way. hehe:) do i sound bitter? sheesh! i hope not. i'm just tired. this is the first morning that my eyes have not produced water. my ghed! mukha na akong tarsier! may eyebags na akong mas malaki pa sa eyebags ni shawie! haha! at di ko na pinipili kung saan ako nagpoproduce water! sa church, sa taxi (parang music video), at di ko na alam... im tired. he knows how much it affects me, or how important "knowing" is to me... i kinda begged for it na nga eh kay i'm tired. pero wala. nagfacebook pa siya! hahaha! isa ra man kaminuto magtxt uie.. haay. bahala na. kapoy na isisp. kapoy na hilak. kapoy na magkaroon ug ingon-aning relationships with other people. di na muna. daghan pa ko dapat problemahon.

wheatus - little respect

I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
Im so in love with you
Ill be forever blue
That you give me no reason you know youre making me work so hard
That you give me no soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

And if I should falter would you open your arms out to me
We can make love not war and live in peace with our hearts
Im so in love with you Ill be forever blue
What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover
Dont you tell me no soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

Im so in love with you
Ill be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know youre making me work so hard
That you give me no soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

i tried to discover--

**WARNING: EMO POST!!!**

"and if i should falter, would you open your arms out to me?"

i love this line from little respect by wheatus.. i cant help but relate to it..
the song starts with "i tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter"
when started hanging out last summer, i was just looking for a cure to summer boredom... somthing hot but cool, and spicy and sweet all at the same time. when i started to feel something funny i let myself indulge and i decided to let myself like you... like you very much, actually.. with that, i was hoping to discover something to make me better, to have a new insightful experience, to make life sweeter... by and by i became acquainted feeling like compassion, care, kindness, selflessness, among other things... in a manner that i would not have known had i not allowed myself to get close to another human being. they would have been mere concepts to me, were it not for you. i also discovered many things about myself like my capacity, my patience, my tolerance, my imaturity because of you.

i found myself giving much of myself to you and to what we had.. i thought i was super lazy, but then when it came to the concept of u and i, i sometimes found myself tired but not willing to stop. i found myself willing to make some sacrifices or do things which i thought i was incapable of sacrificing or doing. but then, all that would still not have been sufficient to keep you. i found myself immature and that i have much to learn. i have much growing up to do. my inability to respond to you properly, or my ignorance would always burden you or cause some amount of misunderstanding... and everytime i faltered, you opened your arms out to me.

but you do not really need me in ur life right now.. but even though that was the case, you stuck around with me.. but i kept falling short of your expectations.. and you could not really afford to carry around the baggage from those misundertandings anymore.. and without me, there would be a lot less to worry about or to be stressed out about.. and there is nothing i can do if you no longer want to be with me.

you gave up on me.. and honestly, that hurts. i do not emotionally invest in people jut like that. and you just go away without saying goodbye? was i that bad that i do not even deserve a little respect? even a gesture of common courtesy like saying goodbye? do i not deserve that, at least? (i can not yet talk about it, unless i want the floodgates to open. :)

too bad, what we had was not reduced into wrting or to anything official. we created a world and in it was just u and i. nobody knew what it was... what we had. we had a secret and it was ours, just between u and i.

too bad we were not invincible.. for a second there, i thought we were..

anyway, i am sorry. i am sorry for all the trouble i caused.. for the inconvenience, the hassle, the demands, the stress.. for taking up your time, energy, money and whatever... i am sorry if i failed you. i am sorry for so many things but personally, i am not sorry for letting myself emotionally invest in you. i am just sorry to drag you into the mess that is me.

i wish for all the best things and adventures that the world has to offer and i wish you get the best and the most out of life. i hope you reach your dreams. i wish you success, in every sense of the word. always know that i shall always deeply care about you.


****************************
peace and love to all.

and please do not share this link, nor let anyone else who does not know about this blog know about the contents of this post. i just had to write down what kept flowing out.. and i had to sort out a few things. i apologize for all the mush, if nagtiis kang basahin till the end.

blah.

i never thought i would be felling what i did just a little over a month ago... last month, although the offense was somewhat grave, i had confidence that i could still have you back. this time, although the offense is less grave, i am not quite confident that i can still win you over.

patience is a BEERtue.

geez. over the past few days i realized:

1. mugawas akong pagka batang-gamay or akong pagka *ehem* brat when i want something and i cant get it. once i acknowledge the want, i need to have what i want. pronto! otherwise, maglangi, magyawyaw, magdrama.. echos.

2. i am becoming demanding. and i need to remember that i dont have the right to demand or expect anything. dili ko in a relationship.

3. what i ask, God provides. but in his time.. i need to be patient. i need to trust that it will happen, sooner or later, one way or another.

4. i need to learn how to chill... be more stoic and a lot less consumed or fixated on something. i need to remind myself that the conclusion i formulated when i was most passionate about the issue is not always accurate.

5. a man can make me happy, but my happiness does not depend on him entirely..

wee! nastress out ko for the past few days. nabuang kog kalit. i feel like im back to my old self again. happier and with a refreshed outlook. hehe:)

peace and love!
ciao!

*************************

i just got home from his pamangkin's bday party. i got to chat with his mom, ate and their super close family friend. hotseat. and i got the sense na parang i was'nt quite "the classmate lang" this time.. hmm.. m not gonna overthink this. haha!

mad bitch disease

so i asked you how u were. n u said u were fine. but then u asked if i was mad at you. i said no. i was not mad. if i was not myself it was because i was feeling a mixture of these feelings: frustrated, doubtful, sad, kinda lonely and missing u very badly. i assured u i was not mad, and added that "if there is anything wrong with me, it would be rooted on the fact that i miss you very badly. pero ok lang, ganun naman talaga. hehe"

because i do! damnit! i have been tryin sooo hard not t feel it or to acknowledge it, but now i give up... i'm telling you, i miss you. i was trying to train myself na hindi ka na itxt as much or bawasan yung paglambing or pag express ko ng care. i have been trying to prepare myself for something like "the end" kasi u have been out of it or off lately. basically, i excerted less effort and now you think i am mad at you. im not. im mainly frustrated kasi i miss you and you are not doing anything about it. gusto ko sana mageffort ka konti. i want you to want to be with me. i know i cannot ask you for it. i cannot bring myself to ask you. i just really want you to want it for yourself. but maybe you dont... you no longer do.

you did not even reply to my lengthy txt which had a couple of pakyoot jokes in it. you could not even bring yourself to say you miss me.

then why the F@#$ do you care if im mad at you?! amiw. *now im mad*

peace and love!
ciao!

pero bitaw--

--are you trying to get rid of me na?

nagalit ka over such a small thing... inconvenience naman kasi talga ako sayo. i take up ur time, energy, etc... and it wont be such a total loss for you if i go away. wala namang mawawala sayo diba? u dont really get anything from me.. na kainconvenient, sagabal, needy, clingy?, makulit, OA, pahamak, and generally just a waste of fat and skin.. in fact, if you cut me out o ur life, baka mas smooth, predictable and a lot less kapoy pa takbo ng life mo..

so if ur doing that, tell me outright. dont make me guess. dont pick petty fights. just say it.. that way, emotions wont be unecessarily stirred. ayt?

peace and love! ciao!
god bless!

round 2

waaah!!! naa jud nakasab-an gabie!

kay ngano? giingnan na "jan ka lang, daan kita."
wa man nipatuo. ingon pa "sabay nalang tayo."
"ndi, jan ka nalang kasi ulan. maputik dun sa side mo."
"cge lang. lingaw man pud.."
dah! bundakan lagi purtahan inig abot sa sakyanan. gahi man ulo. di maminaw. wa pajud gitingugan hantud nahatod uie. dah! awa lageh...

ug sa dihang, mao ra to ang dahilan ngano nasuko si angkol. ingon pud si manang, di man gud daw siya anad ana. wa siya kasabot na sugo diay to diay. wa siya kasabot na gentleman si angkol.. wa man gud daw warning bah! sa dihang, wa naanad anang jintilman iyang sabay kay pirmi lagi daw siya wan-op-daboys.. mao na ron. nkasab-an lagi..

perti pa daw pangutana ni manang nganong suko kaayo si angkol.. nahuna-huna niya na basi nangita ra ug bikil si angkol para maundang na ni ilang kabuang.. maayo nalang nakainom si manang gabie, nakatulog na sia ug wa na siya nagOA-OA pa.. ganina, inig mata, huna-huna nasad siya.. ug sa dihang nahuna-hunaan niya na basi nasuko si angkol kay nabasa siya ug mas dugay kay nangabri pa purtahan, etc... noh? ug dili bah, kay naglagot siya kay wa siya natuman kay gahig ulo si manang, di kasabot.. haha!

dah lagi! sab-an uie... guol man diay... hehe:)

pero okina kay sorry2x man tapos aymishoohay dayon sila. ukina. hehe:)

pagbinut.an na jud day! hehe