i tried to discover--

**WARNING: EMO POST!!!**

"and if i should falter, would you open your arms out to me?"

i love this line from little respect by wheatus.. i cant help but relate to it..
the song starts with "i tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter"
when started hanging out last summer, i was just looking for a cure to summer boredom... somthing hot but cool, and spicy and sweet all at the same time. when i started to feel something funny i let myself indulge and i decided to let myself like you... like you very much, actually.. with that, i was hoping to discover something to make me better, to have a new insightful experience, to make life sweeter... by and by i became acquainted feeling like compassion, care, kindness, selflessness, among other things... in a manner that i would not have known had i not allowed myself to get close to another human being. they would have been mere concepts to me, were it not for you. i also discovered many things about myself like my capacity, my patience, my tolerance, my imaturity because of you.

i found myself giving much of myself to you and to what we had.. i thought i was super lazy, but then when it came to the concept of u and i, i sometimes found myself tired but not willing to stop. i found myself willing to make some sacrifices or do things which i thought i was incapable of sacrificing or doing. but then, all that would still not have been sufficient to keep you. i found myself immature and that i have much to learn. i have much growing up to do. my inability to respond to you properly, or my ignorance would always burden you or cause some amount of misunderstanding... and everytime i faltered, you opened your arms out to me.

but you do not really need me in ur life right now.. but even though that was the case, you stuck around with me.. but i kept falling short of your expectations.. and you could not really afford to carry around the baggage from those misundertandings anymore.. and without me, there would be a lot less to worry about or to be stressed out about.. and there is nothing i can do if you no longer want to be with me.

you gave up on me.. and honestly, that hurts. i do not emotionally invest in people jut like that. and you just go away without saying goodbye? was i that bad that i do not even deserve a little respect? even a gesture of common courtesy like saying goodbye? do i not deserve that, at least? (i can not yet talk about it, unless i want the floodgates to open. :)

too bad, what we had was not reduced into wrting or to anything official. we created a world and in it was just u and i. nobody knew what it was... what we had. we had a secret and it was ours, just between u and i.

too bad we were not invincible.. for a second there, i thought we were..

anyway, i am sorry. i am sorry for all the trouble i caused.. for the inconvenience, the hassle, the demands, the stress.. for taking up your time, energy, money and whatever... i am sorry if i failed you. i am sorry for so many things but personally, i am not sorry for letting myself emotionally invest in you. i am just sorry to drag you into the mess that is me.

i wish for all the best things and adventures that the world has to offer and i wish you get the best and the most out of life. i hope you reach your dreams. i wish you success, in every sense of the word. always know that i shall always deeply care about you.


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peace and love to all.

and please do not share this link, nor let anyone else who does not know about this blog know about the contents of this post. i just had to write down what kept flowing out.. and i had to sort out a few things. i apologize for all the mush, if nagtiis kang basahin till the end.