last na ka ha? ayp...

1. shux, kahirap pala. who was i kidding?! i cannot be your friend yet. you cannot be my friend yet. no. its too hard. its unhealthy. its inevitable for either of us to put meaning in what the other does. i'm soooo soooo tired na... of seeing you all the time and feeling things, and going thru the same cycle everyday.. KAPOY to be in constant battle with yourself. enough na. if being with me was unhealthy for you, then being your friend is unhealthy for me. if you didnt wanna lose me, too bad. sorry, you shouldnt have acted like a dumb dog.

2. so im gonna eggzert extra effort to cut you off. hard as that may be, but that is what is good for you and for me. dont hate me for it... after all, u decided to cut me out of ur life first. i did not even have a say in it and you told me soooo late. so there!

3. as much as i want you back, i gotta let me go. i still have momentary lapses, and get drowned in emo crap, but i'll manage.. il try. if i dont, please help me out and tell me that this is what you need; that this is what you want and this is whats best for you. (too bad, being away from you completely, and not being your friend, seems to be the best for me at the moment.)

4. i feel like my old self again. the bitch is back for the nth time. kaya ko na mangaway ng tao ulit! :) kaso kahapon, in the midst of my galit/gigil mode, naisip ko na if you knew about the fight i was picking, youd make me see how petty it was and how foolish it was of me.. naalala ko tuloy na isa yan sa effects mo saken.. oops, going emo again. sorry... just another lapse... point is, im hating again! :) i can, once again, hate people for being stupid bitches. the bitch is back. **switch to maldita mode** so to the people i already hate, i say : watch your back bitches!!!

lover gets what lover wants. xoxo

we had dinner last night..

it was one of the hardest to swallow... literally nd figuratively!! ibang level!

it was nice, i guess.
it was not dramatic or anything like that.
masakit konti. hehe:)

but i'm "happier" now, so that should mean something...
siguro madami pa akong gusto sabihin, pero pwede nang di niya malaman..

i just hope he does not think i gave up on him.. because by letting him go and releasing him from all that is "unhealthy" for him, i am fighting for him. i dont want him to go away. i want him to be my friend, (if he cant be *ahem*...) i cant force him to be with me, if he does not want to, diba? this is best for him. so, lover gets what lover wants. friends mi!

at least i got a hug at the end of the night.

peace and love to all!
ciao!
god bless!

in re: letting go

okay, so as of now, i am bent on letting you go without need of explanation or goodbyes. parang i dont feel the need to tell you goodbye. i dont feel the need to tell you how much you mean/meant to me. i no longer feel the need to hear what you have to say. i no longer feel the urge to fix things or try to make sense of things. (ayaw mo naman din, diba?) we can live without knowing or saying all those things.

right now, i am thinking that the next time i see you, walang hard feelings. i wont be bitter, angsty, sad, or whatever. i will simply be your classmate. just another flower in the bunch... i wont text you, unless its important. (but i cannot delete your msgs from my phone yet.. although its got 2000+ msgs in the inbox already.) i refuse to be affected by your mere presence. (but of course, i wont pretend ur non-existent, coz that's stupid, silly and just... uhm.. dumb.) i'll talk to you like i talk to all the other classmates. i'll pretend "the summer" never happened, to avoid awkward moments. but i cant be so nice to you anymore... or at least i'll try. (mabait din naman talga ako eh. haha!)

kaya ni bai! :)

ive been holding on to something that you've been letting go of for some time now and its taking its toll on me. i am coming to terms with the fact that you did not value me as much as i did/do you... i think it all boils down to that. i dont need to say more. i wont.

im going to move on. im letting you go. i will not need to hear it from you anymore.


love and peace!
ciao!


*************************************
i was right. yung first of september kiss,
na wala tayong sinabi sa isa't isa before and after-
i just knew that that was
the last time i get to kiss you.
i felt the fear right then and there.
i felt like i was going to cry, halfway.
but i dont think u noticed.
it was one of the best, by the way. :)

i feel so tired making sense of things.

i was at mcdo last thursday night. i was eating alone and concentrating on my food coz i did not have the appetite to consume anything, but i had to eat. then, something bright orange caught my eye so i looked up and realized that this girl who just passed by was wearing bright/neon orange skinny jeans... perfect! she seemed perfectly happy in her orange pants.. smiling and talking to her guy friend. and then i thought:

1. dili ko karelate sa iyang happines.
2. dili ko karelate sa iyang pants! haha!

so nainterupt ang akong paglangoy-langoy sa akong self-absorbed muni-muni...

i looked around the place. and i realied na dili ko karelate sa mga tao. i felt like i was a foreigner, or an alien. i could not identify myself with the rest of them.. tao man unta sila...

whew!

1. Ganahan ko kay im with my TM batchmates at bigbys. I like spending time with them. they will always be special to me.

2. Hadlok diay maglet go. Pero di ko pwede ipagpilitan sarili ko sa ayaw diba? Tsaka ayoko maging pabigat sau. Tsaka parang nag let go ka na rin naman eh.. So sige. Ill let u go nalang.. Kaya ko toh!!! haha