bad feeling not to be forgotten

last sunday he tells me he missed me. last night, i saw him holding hands with a girl. perfect noh? nangurog ko. namugnaw. hyperventilate. then di makahinga. tightening sa chest. mind was wiped out. whew. that was hours ago but the feeling has not left me... the emotional aspect, the physical manifestation, and the mental blankness/anguish are still there. and i'm leaving for manila tomorrow and i'm not ready.

last night (in detail)--
i was at a watering hole in the city with an old guy friend.. when i got off the cab, i prayed na sana magkita kami. after taking a few steps, i turned and saw his vehicle heading for the parking lot... nasurprise ko! :) then i looked around pero sasakyan nya lang so i thought maybe may kasama siya sa car. but i saw no shadows thru the tint, so when it stopped, i opened the door and saw him with her on the passenger seat (where i used to sit). so with a smile on my face i asked "san ka?" without looking at her directly but seeing her shocked facial expression. hehe:) ka-awkward noh? he answered na dun sila papunta sa place where me n my frnd were supposed to go. so i closed the door again. matagal sila bumaba. n when they finally did, thru the corner of my eye i could see that he was walking a couple of steps ahead of her. when i looked up, i saw them looking at me and the girl grabbed his elbow. and then they held hands. then i just smiled and grabbed the bottle of vodka.. then he said some lame joke about "the bar" pero wa na ko kabantay kay at this point mura na kog gidauban!!! nangurog ko. namugnaw. hyperventilate. then di makahinga. tightening sa chest. mind was wiped out. he sat next to her and had his arm around her. she was malambing to him. (again, i saw this thru the corner of my eye. pasimple bah!:) clock ticked... he went out for a smoke. smiled at me and he looked at my friend. yung tipong nakaw na tingin. sipatan bah? i remember he did it a couple of times. then time kept moving.. then he went out for a smoke again and this time i asked him when niya kunin yung pasalubong ko for him.. he paused, smiled and said pwede next time na? i did not answer immediately, but i just looked at him. and told him il be in mla next week. he said "char mag-unsa ka didto?" "sikreto." then he said "dala mo ngayon?" and i tossed it to him. "ano toh?" no answer but i made a face as if to say wala lang so-so. then he said thanks. then it was awkward kay we had nothing to talk about so he turned towards the door. as he did so, he said "ikumusta mo pala ako kina tita tsaka tito.." then i said "asar! kaclose nyo!" then he replied/joked "syempre!" or something like that... nawala napud ko sa passing so i dont really remember anymore. hehe:) time passed again... and uwi na sila. when i got back from the restroom, i saw nasa parking lot na sila.. dumaan yung sasakyan niya sa tabi ko when they left.. then he said some stuff but all i could hear/remember was "thanks tans." or sumthing like that. i just looked at him for a sec and showed him my palm. then he drove off..

comment ng friends--
sabi ng friend ko evil siya. aksi nagsabi pa siya ng "mis u" last week...
and my freidn saidd, pwera love, ang chix daw kay mrag gikambras sa demonyo 6 times... hahaha! tapos ako kay 3 times lang daw... so panalo ako! haha! *labyoobai!*
pati sa lawas daug daw ghapon ko kay nataguan ra daw sa purple dress ang kamaot sa lawas ato... pero bitaw, tabaon bitaw akong tanaw ato niya.. and di kaayo nako feel iyang beauty.. or biased lang ko! hahaha!

sabi ng friends niya "nagselos ka noh?!" and they were laughing... nagulat ako kasi that was the last thing on my mind. wala ko nagselos.. weird. so i said "selos? wala. pero lain na makita nimo diba? pero ok lang. patas lang. all is fair in love and war. diba? murag ikaw gud! hehe"

comment ko---
when bad people do bad things, its nothing. when good people do bad things its something. so if u know ur bad, dont try to come off as a good person. it hurts more. again, i feel like i am losing faith in "the good" but im not wired that way. i will always believe in the goodness of people. it may seem naive and i may be gullible, but is it so wrong to have faith???

naapreciate nako akong ex kay bad siya and ang motto niya would be sumthing like "bad ko, labo na mausab. dili ko muingon na dili ko maghimo ug daotan. pero kung kaya nimo dawaton ko, maayo."

nalain ko. nalain jud ko.