so i got this stupid muffin for a classmate1. a guy friend who was rather close to me/us last sem. i know his bday was last week but i did not see him that time. so when i was in manila, i decided to get him something. i also got a muffin for my other classmate2 whose bday is in the same week as his. when i finally showed up for school yesterday, i gave classmate2 his muffin. yadda-yadda-yadda. but suddenly, i had second thoughts about giving classmate1 his stupid muffin. but i wrestled my instincts and decided to go up to him at the end of class to give him the stupid muffin. punyetah, ulaw gud. pero whatever. i brought it with me na eh. and he was there. and we are/were friends. there's nothing wrong with that. pero classmate1 reacted in a way that made the whole sitch more awkward and embarrassing for me. pashy-shy pa xa. saying in a loud voice "ah laina uie. grabe na man sad na. maulaw man sad ta. blah-blah-blah" and he was looking around at the other people around us who did not really give a rat's ass... and he was moving away from me and leaning against the door. effing irritating na ka-OA-han. and all that time, i was apologizing for handing him the stupid token late and saying sorry that it's bahaw na... whatever. i hated his reaction. it reaeaeaealllllly ticked me off. and i dont know what came over me but in a heartbeat, my mood changed. i was angry. furious even. i was angry enough to say "kung ayaw mo tanggapin, di wag!" and i walked away. i did not hand him the stupid muffin. i did not even look at his face.
there! another encounter with passion and obfuscation. i acted irrationally. i used to be in better control of my anger, as i used to have outputs i.e., destruction, violence, art, music, etc... but now, i dont. i am no longer zen. i need to process this and find my center, and be in control of myself like who/how i was before.
i know i need to adjust to the changes. i need to find my zone. there is a lot going on in my head and around me. i am in such a weird place right now, mentally and emotionally that it makes me unstable.
and this instability might have just cost me a friend. and that is not worth it.
***i am sorry for what i did. i hope that passion and obfuscation may be appreciated as a mitigating circumstance when i apologize to him later.
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